I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
