no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
