I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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