he shaved USA in his pubs
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize