dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
