She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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