I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
