1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
