i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
