I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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