Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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