his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
