dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
