Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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