I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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