i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
