thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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