She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
