I wish my penis had an off switch
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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