My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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