that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
