We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
