You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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