yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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