Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
