I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize