Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
