if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
