that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
