Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
