Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
