This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
