Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
