Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
