don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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