Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
