the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
