dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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