Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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