You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
