i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
