I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
