I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
