There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize