"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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