There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
