You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
