I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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