A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
