Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
