I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
