he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
